


Two Sane Guys Doing Normal Things

by woollen_pharaohs



Series: Awkward boys in love [1]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Awkward First Times, Awkward Sex, Blow Jobs, Direct Quotes, Fate & Destiny, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, M/M, Missing Scene, Very Awkward First Times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 17:37:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8632354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woollen_pharaohs/pseuds/woollen_pharaohs
Summary: Todd feels comfortable around Dirk, that’s the reality he's currently trying to face. He’s never… ever… admitted to anyone, to anyone, that he lied about being sick. But there’s something about Dirk that makes him feel… safe despite all the weird shit that keeps happening to him since he met the guy. Only it's taking him a long time to believe that what’s happening to him, that what’s happening to the people around him, that it’s all fate.





	

**Author's Note:**

> From episode 4 i knew i had to write a fanfic, and after the scene where Todd patches up Dirk with pink bandaids in ep 5 that was it. That was a done deal. And here we are! Needless to say this was a very fun fic to write! Hope you like it too!
> 
> Title taken from the brilliantly titled episode 8.

Dirk, with three pastel pink Band-Aids on his face, looks up at Todd and says, “You know, for someone who constantly talks about what an asshole he is, you’re quite a good friend.”

“What?” Todd wheezes.

He takes a step away from Dirk perching on the tray of the pickup. It’s harder than he thinks it will be, like pushing backwards against a current of water. He slips on the rocks beneath his shoes. A chill down his spine.

“No,” he wheezes again, then catches his breath and says more firmly, “No, Dirk. I’m a _terrible_ friend.”

He steps back even further, forcing his back against the opposing current. He ignores a hurt look creeping up on Dirk’s face because Dirk’s wrong about him. Dirk is wrong.

“You just, like… _project_ that friend stuff onto me.”

He turns away, but the moment he’s looking in the same direction as Dirk, the moment he suddenly feels very at ease. Strangely enough. The current previously making it very difficult to walk backwards completely evaporates. He walks freely forward, takes a seat on a rock and he doesn’t even have to ask Dirk to follow him, because the detective does.

Dirk sits next to him on another good sitting rock conveniently placed beside Todd’s. He keeps telling Dirk about his sister, about his “illness”, about how much debt his put his parents in. He’s never… ever… admitted to anyone, to _anyone_ , how much he lied. And despite all the weird shit that keeps happening to Todd since he met Dirk, it’s still taking him a long time to believe everything. His gut is to put his openness to the fact that he’s out in the open. The feeling of being outside in nature, the water moving gently over the smaller pebbles in the river bed, the wind lifting lightly through his hair, and the quietness, the peacefulness of an area devoid of the sounds of the city. And yet he _should_ believe Dirk already. After all, he’s sitting on the rocks by a river where they took refuge after being shot at by two dudes with crossbows loaded with electric bolts, they were just saved by a shark apparition which morphed out of the body of a small black cat, and to top it all off, he’s wearing a tank top he saw _himself_ in shortly after walking in on the murder scene of Patrick Spring. He still can’t fully believe it, but it _has_ to be fate. It’s the only way it can possibly make sense to him. And even if it still doesn’t, he has to believe that everything that’s ever happened to him since Dirk has entangled himself in his life is meant to be.

He has to believe it’s fate, for Dirk.

 

 

“You’re the first person who’s _actually_ stuck around and helped. You’re the first person who’s actually acted like a friend, whether you acknowledge it or not. And to be totally candid, I’m a bit sick of your bullshit, Todd.”

“What?”

“Well, I just wish you’d stop saying you’re an asshole. I don’t think you are so it comes off a bit cheap.”

“Cheap?” Todd repeats, his eyes darting between the three pink bandaids, “have you not been listening?”

“It’s very easy to act like a jerk,” Dirk reasons with him earnestly, “and then say, ‘well, I’m a jerk, so that’s that.’ But it’s not like being a bloody werewolf is it? It’s just you making excuses for your excuses. I don’t have any friends. I am _always_ surrounded by bizarre and _frightening_ states of disaster and I am _always_ alone. Even you keep saying you’re not my friend. But since you’re the closest thing I’ve had, I’d really appreciate it if you’d stop calling yourself an asshole.”

Dirk shakes his head and starts walking back toward the pickup.

“Okay!”

Dirk turns around, “What?”

“When we get back in the morning, we’ll solve the murder of Patrick Spring, save Lydia and figure out whatever the hell that thing is. And…”

Dirk tilts his head.

“I’ll tell Amanda the truth, about everything,” Todd says.

He catches the disappointment in Dirk’s eyes, the way he nods and his shoulders hang and the next words aren’t even caught in his throat, they’re rolling right out like he’s meant to say it. Dirk starts to walk away again, pulled back by Todd’s words.

“And Dirk? I am your friend.”

There’s a half smile, but it’s not everything. Todd hasn’t quite said the right thing. Not the full thing. He catches Dirk’s sleeve before the man can turn away again, and he finishes what he’s meant to say.

“You’re right about me making excuses for my excuses,” he says, a firm hold on Dirk’s sleeve, “It’s just… since you came into my life… everything has happened by chance. And, I guess I should be used to that given my past. On tour we would take what we could get when it appeared. Book a last minute show, grab a drink with a talent agency recruiter who happened to be at a show, steal the delivery to a small grocery store because no one was around and we hadn’t eaten in two days," he sees the alarm in Dirk's eyes so he adds, "it was right there!”

Dirk starts to look confused and so Todd turns Dirk’s hand into his.

“What I’m saying is… not all things that happen by chance, are good.”

“Todd, that’s a perfectly reasonable deduction. Almost _all_ of the things that occur to me in the path the universe takes me are _not_ good.”

“Except now? _Something_ lead you to me, or me to you, to us. To solving this mystery, together. And I guess I’ve been saying you’re not my friend, saying I’m an asshole and making excuses for my excuses because along this path… knowing my fortune, our love would be only fleeting.”

“Fleeting…” Dirk mouths.

Todd creeps his fingers gently over Dirk’s wrist as he continues, “I’m worried that after this is solved, you’ll move on to wherever the universe takes you, and our destinies will no longer be entwined.”

Dirk frowns, frowns at Todd’s hand dancing along his wrist, frowns back at Todd and frowns _even more_ when Todd cuts the space between them.

“Todd?”

“But it’s been _this_ long, and nothing’s gotten in my way except myself. So why not just let it happen?”

Todd stands on the tips of his toes and gently presses his lips against Dirk’s _very_ still lips.

He pulls back, looks Dirk square in his very confused eyes, and tries to step back further. Only, once again, a current pushes up against his back, waves rolling either side of him, Dirk’s eyes as dark as the ocean depths glaring at him.

“So judging by your reaction, that was definitely _not meant to happen_.”

The current licks around his frame, trying to budge him forward but Todd won’t budge anywhere except away from his _friend_ who he _just_ _tried to kiss_.

“Todd,” Dirk says with the biggest smile, “Ever since we lost the kitten I have felt utterly directionless, until now. So I would say that, on the contrary, this is definitely _meant_ to happen.”

And with that, Dirk slides his arm around Todd’s waist and pulls him in for a kiss. Their noses bump together and the moment of pain is forgotten when Todd looks up to see the complete and utter adoration in Dirk’s eyes. The ocean against his back floods around their bodies, pools around their feet like the waves against the sea shore, burying couples standing on the sand, securing them in their rightful place.

Todd reaches up and kisses Dirk again, feels once motionless lips move with his, hungry tongues sliding against each other. Dirk’s hold on the small of Todd’s back lifts momentarily, eliciting a gasp from Todd as he loses his footing. Then, seconds later, Dirk slips his hand underneath Todd’s tank top, skin against skin, and holds him in place against Dirk’s chest. Todd raises his arms around Dirk’s neck as he continues to kiss this man who came out of nowhere, and just as he thinks about jumping onto Dirk and wrapping his legs around the guy just so he doesn’t have to stretch any longer, Dirk pulls him swiftly, with strength that surprises him, to the forest floor.

Todd collapses on top of Dirk with a grunt. Dirk hits his head against the bark of the tree and grunts at the same time. Todd can’t help but laugh, and buries his face in Dirk’s shirt. When he lifts his head up, Dirk’s tie comes untucked from his dress shirt and Todd pokes a finger in the knot, loosening it a little.

“This feels right, doesn’t it?” He says absentmindedly.

“It really does,” Dirk agrees, nodding against the bark. He then grasps Todd’s shoulders and says quickly, “well that’s that then, shall we get back to the car?”

Todd shrugs off Dirk’s grasp and tries to put some weight on top of the guy to hold him down. He clocks his finger further into the tie and unties it, nudging it slowly out of the collar cuff.

“Have you ever…” Todd trails off.

He doesn’t have to say it again because he has Dirk hooked. Just like last time.

“Have I ever what?” Dirk cocks his head to the side, his brow furrowed, his hands secure but tender over Todd’s shoulders.

“Have you ever … tested the boundaries, of what the universe presents you?” Todd says.

Dirk gives him a puzzled look. “What do you mean?”

Todd pulls himself up and sits on Dirk’s lap, careful to apply pressure with his palm over Dirk’s chest as a sign for the man not to move.

“Like… when life gives you lemons…”

“I don’t eat them because I’m allergic to citrus.”

“What?” Todd squints, “I mean… don’t you ever see what more you can do with what you’re given?”

“No,” Dirk replies flatly. “Normally things happen to me and there’s normally only one course of action. Of course, there is the choice not to do anything, but I always do it.”

“See,” Todd starts. He runs his hand across the line of buttons in Dirk’s dress shirt until he reaches the collar and starts unbuttoning them, one by one, “You’re talking about only two options here. What about the third option?”

“The _third_ option? Todd, you’re being silly. There’s only backwards or forwards, there’s no around or," Eyes blink rapidly, "inside out.”

Todd pops the third button, watching the way Dirk’s eyes dart alarmingly downwards each time Todd pops a button.

“There’s always something _else_ you can choose,” Todd explains, “… like… choosing to mess around.”

Todd peels open Dirk’s shirt as much as he can with only a few buttons undone, and he calculates his move exactly. He goes to nibble at Dirk’s collarbone at the same time as rolling his hips into Dirk’s abdomen.

“Oh,” Dirk says, then louder when Todd repeats the action, “OH.”

Todd grins as he feels a twitch in Dirk’s pants. He moves quickly to unbutton the rest of Dirk’s shirt and expose his chest to the open air. Only he gets to the fourth button and realises that Dirk’s wearing an undershirt that’s tucked into his jeans.

“Okay, everything needs to come off.” Todd demands, “Jacket, shirt, undershirt. Everything.”

Dirk looks at him, alarmed, “Shoes and trousers too?”

Todd starts to step off Dirk and repeats, “ _Everything_.”

Dirk shuffles up against the tree trunk and says, “Okay, but are we going to have _sex_ -“ he hisses the word like a child would say a dirty word “-out _here_? What if a spider climbs up my bum?”

Todd laughs and laughs, falling back on the forest floor. He wipes away tears only to see Dirk huddled at the base of the tree with a worried look on his face.

“Alright,” Todd says as he stands up, “Let’s go back to the pickup. I’ll lay down a blanket in the tray and we can fuck there. Happy?”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Dirk repeats in a strangled breath.

“Yeah.”

Dirk then nods furiously. He awkwardly stands up, half bumping half hugging the tree trunk as he gets to his feet. As he tries to walk forward, his footing trips on a tree branch knotted through the ground. Todd throws his arms out to catch Dirk, his fingers brushing across Dirk’s bulge before he sturdies the guy. Dirk’s eyes dart to look into Todd’s and Todd raises his eyebrows because _yes_ that was on purpose. But then, Dirk is a flurry of jackets and his shirt buttoning up again and a shaking head.

“Are you okay?” Todd asks gently.

Dirk is silent for a moment. Pink tinges his cheeks.

Fleeting. Everything is fleeting. The birds vacating the area, the woods silent and empty, the soothing sound of the water trickling down the river bed drips into white noise. Then, Dirk’s eyes flicker and he gives Todd a side hug, drops a kiss on Todd’s forehead before prompting them to move off toward the pickup.

Todd’s feet start to get tired. While they were running around looking for the kitten, he didn’t feel like they had travelled very far but it feels like they’ve been walking for ages. Sweat pearls on his back and shoulders, the afternoon sun peaks through the canopies. Dirk walks with determination, speedy and Todd’s working hard to keep up, working too hard because other areas aren’t getting as much blood as they had minutes ago.

“You know Todd,” Dirk starts in a very matter of fact tone, “This feels all very right. We’re going in the right direction and everything is good.”

“Except?”

“Except…” Dirk glances at Todd sheepishly, “Now I want to say, there isn’t _always_ an exception. Sometimes exceptions happen and they can hamper the task at hand and I have to say, I’m not very skilled in moving beyond exceptions, except this rare time an exception has occurred, I think I’m in the hands of someone who is going to be able to help me through it.”

Todd wraps his arm around Dirk’s waist and firmly returns the hug, presses his hand against the curve in Dirk’s side.

“What’s the exception?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Todd. It’s a big deal and also not a big deal. I mean, _I_ don’t think it’s a big deal but _you_ might think it’s a big deal and I think _that’s_ what’s making me think that it’s a big deal. So, yes, yes, alright. I’ll tell you. I’m a virgin.”

“I’m…” Todd blinks for a moment. His converses crunch over the brittle dead leaves cloaking the forest floor, “…Actually not surprised. It’s actually pretty normal nowadays, but also, you’re… you.”

Dirk looks slightly offended.

“Don’t worry,” Todd reassures him, “Anal sex isn’t that different from vaginal.”

Dirk looks like he’s about to have an aneurysm. “A-a-a-anal??”

Beyond them, Todd can see the trees start to fall away to the clearing they’d parked in.

“I mean, we don’t have to do that right _now_. Besides, we don’t really have anything for protection, let alone lube.”

“Protec… LUBE?!”

Dirk’s face goes very white. He goes straight for the tray and hoists himself up, gripping the metal so that the colour of his knuckles matches his face.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Todd asks as he waits for Dirk to settle himself on the tray.

Todd wedges himself between Dirk’s legs and places his hands on Dirk’s thighs. Dirk looks down at the hands on his thighs, then into Todd’s eyes and holds the stare with confidence.

“Yes. I am _certain_ that this is the correct course of action,” He says. His thighs twitch. “I don’t believe there is a third option. Only this. Or not this. And I can never _not_ choose not to do the right course of action.”

Todd slips his hands down to Dirk’s knees and says, “but you _can_ choose not to. You don’t _have_ to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Dirk’s shoulders loosen, and Todd smiles when Dirk covers his hands with his.

“I misspoke. The universe chooses for me. Things happen to me and around me and my choices, how natural or destined they might be, lead exactly to where I’m meant to be. Really, I’m just here for the ride.”

Todd shakes his head, “Sometimes, I swear you say things that can sound like something else when taken out of context.”

Dirk’s lips go thin as he nods, “I may have… said some things… but only to get you going on the right path! Things _had_ to be said.”

Todd mimics Dirk’s past quote, “’Push my bum, make me go up!’ – _you_ said that! You _knew_ this was going to happen!”

Dirk holds his hands up in the air, shuffling back as Todd scrambles up on the tray.

“Not exactly this! But something _like_ this. And I didn’t know _when_ exactly, either. All I know now is that you’re going to have to shut up and stop asking questions.”

And with that, Dirk dips in and kisses Todd. Todd’s breathless for a moment, until he starts breathing in Dirk’s air, tastes his tongue, smells his skin. Dirk may be a virgin but he’s a pretty darn good kisser and in all honesty, Todd wouldn’t mind just sitting here in the back of a stolen pickup truck making out with a so called detective for the rest of the week, or, well, ever. If that’s his fate, he’ll willingly accept it.

Dirk breaks away quickly and adds, “Although, that isn’t to say I don’t _enjoy_ the words that come out of your mouth, Todd. You do say some rather interesting things and I –“

Todd shuts the detective up this time by playing the same trick. He scoots over and kisses Dirk, folding one arm around Dirk’s neck and combing his fingers into the lush blonde hair. As they kiss, Todd ventures his hand up to Dirk’s shirt buttons. He aggressively pops them again, making a point at the betrayal of having to repeat his actions. He hears a moan rumble in Dirk’s throat and he takes his teeth to Dirk’s bottom lip, worrying the flesh between his teeth and probing tongue as he unbuttons the rest of the shirt. He then slides his hands across Todd’s undershirt, feels the firmness of Dirk’s chest, stretches the arm hole down enough that he can pinch Dirk’s nipple softly.

Todd hears the start of a moan again and he takes his lips to the corner of Dirk’s mouth so that the sound warms around his ear, across his shoulder. Dirk pants, and presses a kiss against Todd’s neck, feverishly nabbing for more touch as Todd reaches down to kiss a circle around Dirk’s exposed nipple.

“That really does work, doesn’t it? I don’t know why I didn’t try kissing you before, although it would have made things happen a lot sooner than they were meant to.”

Todd sits on his heels, “And you think I’m hard to shut up?”

“No, please, come back. I won’t say a word, I promise.”

Todd only shakes his head. He gets on his feet and leans around the edge of the tray to grab a blanket from the back seat. He throws it in the air and spreads the square out over the tray. He then knees onto the blanket and starts peeling off his sweaty tank top. He grins inwardly when he hears Dirk gasp, but when he’s got his top off completely, he sees Dirk just the way he left him.

“You’ve gotta do it to. Do what I do.”

Dirk blinks for a moment, then scrambles to his knees. He rips off his jacket, and his dress shirt goes with it. Then he plucks the edge of his undershirt in his fingers, halting when Todd speaks.

“You have to do it sexy, like I did.”

“Sexy…” Dirk repeats.

Todd nods in encouragement.

Dirk raises an eyebrow.

Then, Dirk lifts his shirt up, slowly revealing skin. Heat darts to Todd’s dick, and he can’t help but slide his own hand down the centre line of chest hair and trailing to the hem of his jeans, all the while watching Dirk take his shirt off. His eyes flutter, the sun a roiling ball of caramel in the afternoon skyline behind Dirk. The Golden Child. Dirk flings his shirt into the corner of the pickup tray but Todd can’t remove his eyes from the detective’s chest. He’s covered in tattoos that look more like scars indented across his skin. And normally, Todd might have a lot of questions about that, which isn’t to say he doesn’t, but right now he’s more interested in getting back into the warmth of Dirk’s arms.

And that’s not only because the sun is setting.

The undressing process is only half done but Todd tosses that idea out the window in favour of shuffling toward Dirk and laying his hands and lips back on the guy. It was hard enough in the death maze not to touch Dirk. Now, the universe has held his hand through the jumps and conversations that has lead him to this very point where he can throws his arms around the detective’s neck and _kiss Dirk Gently._

He feels Dirk’s hands firm on his lower back, their torsos pressed together, the weird etchings in Dirk’s skin rubbing against his. Questions! So few answers lead to so many more questions but talking can wait!

He kisses Dirk, setting his tongue inside Dirk’s mouth, and it’s disgusting how he’s basically rutting against the guy. He’s meant to go slow and be sexy, slowly roll his hips into Dirk’s bulge, coax the other man’s dick into hardening fully but that isn’t much of a problem since he’s fairly sure Dirk is as hard as a, well, a dirk. Todd breaks from the kiss, licking his lips, and he turns around to press his ass against Dirk’s bulge. He thinks back to the death maze and how they’d been electrocuted so hard that their clothes had caught on fire. He thinks back to Dirk’s tiny little boy short briefs and remembers – because how could he forget – the sheer size of Dirk’s dick clothed in thin fabric. It’s seriously going to take a lot to get that thing inside him and spit isn’t going to be able to suffice for lube. But _imagine_. Imagine getting fucked by Dirk, getting clogged up, breaking him up. Dirk could have him in five seconds and Todd wouldn’t even care, would tell the detective that if he were any kind of good or a psychic at that, he would know that Todd can get hard again in record timing.

“Um, Todd? Are we doing this right?” Dirk asks, breaking through Todd’s reverie.

Todd blinks at the grey blanket beneath him, suddenly very aware of himself being on all fours. And not just on all fours. He’s dry humping, or rather dry butt rubbing, against Dirk, who only hours ago, he had proclaimed to being not a good friend to. An asshole, in fact.

“I mean, it _does_ feel good. In fact, it feels very good and honestly, I’m an amateur, how would I know what’s meant to happen?”

“S-sorry,” Todd chokes, then twists around to face Dirk on his knees again, “Sorry Dirk. I uh, I got carried away. I know you told me you’ve never had sex with a guy before, I should be showing you the ropes.”

Dirk sounds hopeful, “So it’s not over?”

Todd smiles, “No. No it’s only begun. Look, it’s just like doing it with a girl. Just… touch me here,” he takes Dirk’s hand and cups at against his erection.

Dirk blinks rapidly and points out, “but you’re not a girl.”

“Obviously.”

“And! Um, I’ve never uh, had sex. With anyone. Ever.”

“Oh,” Todd says, his hand holding Dirk’s hesitates. “Have you ever… with yourself?”

“The opportunity for sex has never crossed my path Todd! I’m rather in the dark about the whole thing!” Todd doesn’t say anything so Dirk adds, “You must be done with me then.”

Dirk starts to move away from Todd, but Todd holds his shoulders firm, “What? No, no. Of course we’re not _done_. Look, sex is very easy. Just, do what I do.”

He waits for Dirk to nod and then he moves his hands down to work on Dirk’s belt buckle. Dirk follows suit, and they both painstakingly try to remove each other’s belts at the same time. It works, somehow, and Todd encourages Dirk to follow suit as he tugs Dirk’s pants down over his ass and to his thighs. It only gets more awkward from here. Todd tries to get Dirk’s pants off entirely and ends up having to yank one leg sleeve off himself. Todd’s jeans are way too tight so he just pulls them down as far as they can go, which isn’t very far, but it’s going to have to do. He then plucks at the hem of Dirk’s boy shorts and pulls them down enough that Dirk’s erection pops out.

Todd gasps.

“What, is it bad? Is it _ugly_?”

“God no,” Todd breathes, “It’s _beautiful_.”

Dirk doesn’t reach for his dick straight away and he’s kind of thankful for it, because he doesn’t want to look down too much. Todd’s dick is going to dwarf in comparison and he’s accepted his whole life that he’s small in every way but facing up to the reality is something else. Instead, he closes his eyes and kisses Dirk as he starts to move Dirk’s foreskin up and down. Dirk kisses sloppy, which is handy because he needs the excess saliva to help reduce the friction downstairs. He smacks his lips away from Dirk’s and spits their spit in his hand, then returns to pumping Dirk.

“You need to do the same now,” Todd instructs.

Dirk nods, but instead of kissing Todd, he lifts his hand and lathers his tongue over his palm.

“I mean, that’s going to work,” Todd shrugs.

He doesn’t look down. Looks straight into Dirk’s eyes and feels the man pick apart the hem in his boxers and plunge his hand into the space. He’s clumsy, doesn’t really know where to go, but the heat is the pointer and Dirk may be dumb but he’s not _that_ dumb. Dirk finds his small erection and it’s only when he starts to pump Todd again that things start to get awkward again.

Their arms keep bumping each other, and Dirk’s not getting the right angle or stroking him high or long enough, and Todd keeps trying to set an example but Dirk’s only getting worse as Todd does a better job with Dirk. And on top of all that, Todd’s hungry for Dirk’s lips but every time he tries to crane up to kiss the guy, he gets pushed back by their cross of arms and –

“You know what?” Todd says, snapping his hand out of Dirk’s pants.

He starts sliding off the edge of the tray and Dirk’s voice is hollow, “You _are_ done with me.”

Todd pulls Dirk over with the help of the blanket beneath and he makes the detective shut up. He kisses him hard, their noses bump but he doesn’t care because Dirk’s kissing him back just as hard and just as hungry. He thrusts his tongue against Dirk’s top front teeth, slides his tongue to the roof of Dirk’s mouth just briefly, just the way Todd likes it too, and invites Dirk to do the same. A gentle kind of probing, a filling and a flavour of fun.

He rolls his fingers across Dirk’s skin, down around his hip bones, to the final knob in his spine and the tailbone, the curve of his ass and coaxes him further to the edge of the truck. God, it’s a good ass. A good round ass and another day he’ll get to eat Dirk out. Another day he’ll get to fuck Dirk too, maybe, if the universe allows it.

For now, he tells Dirk, “I’m going to give you something you would’ve heard about before. It’s called giving head.”

“Head? You’re not going to chop your own head off are you and present it in my lap? That’s something _animals_ do, Todd, not humans.”

Todd laughs, “You’re actually clueless, aren’t you?”

Dirk’s about to say something in response, but Todd stops him altogether in one fell swoop. With a tight hold on Dirk’s ass cheeks, he dips down and rolls Dirk’s dick into his mouth.

All Dirk is able to say is “Oh,” in the moment Todd’s lips touch the tip of his dick, then, “ _OH_ ,” when Todd encases Dirk’s cock in his mouth entirely.

Todd lets Dirk’s cock slide right down into his throat. Tears well in his eyes, he holds it, though, the tip dangling deep, and it’s only when the fat cock twitches and bumps the roof of his mouth, does Todd start to pull back.

“OH my god, oh my god,” Dirk repeats breathlessly.

Todd grins. He pushes his mouth back down over Dirk’s length, and this time he curves his tongue around the shaft at the same time as moving his lips downwards. He flicks his tongue around at the base of Dirk’s cock, licks the sensitive skin underneath, at the start of Dirk’s ball sac, then sucks in his cheeks as he pulls back. Dirk moans loudly, too loudly, but they’re out in the wilderness so who cares, right? Todd hears Dirk clutching onto the corner of the truck tray, slamming his palms against the metal each time Todd spells dirty words out with his mouth. Dirk’s legs start to clench around Todd’s small frame and he has to put one hand out against Dirk’s thighs to stop the detective from crushing him like a nut cracker.

Tears spot in his eyes again and it’s not from the sheer concentration it takes to engulf Dirk’s entire cock in his mouth, but from the unbearable desire in his own dick. If only he had like, six other hands.  But he’s not going to pleasure himself just yet. First he needs to show Dirk how good it can be. How much Dirk deserves to be spoilt. He much Dirk _deserves good things_. So he uses his forefinger and ring finger to spread Dirk’s ass cheeks as much as he can, all the while, sucking Dirk off. Then, he uses his middle finger to get at Dirk’s hole. He has to stretch around Dirk’s torso a bit, putting him on an angle against the tray but he can deal with it. He’s dealing with it. He’s found Dirk’s hole and he tries to hold the cheeks apart firmly as he runs his middle finger around the hole. He sucks and licks Dirk’s length and honestly it’s starting to hurt his jaw from the sheer size of the thing but fuck, he hasn’t had dick this good in at least six years and _Christ_ the noises Dirk’s making. The fucking _groaning_ and _yelping_ and that’s it, _that’s it_.

He presses his middle finger inside Dirk’s ass, as much as he can reach, which isn’t very far, but he can feel Dirk’s heat there, and the opposing heat in his mouth and he’s silently thanking Dirk for trying so, _so_ hard not to buck viciously into his mouth. Todd shifts his middle finger in and curls it out, feeling the way Dirk’s ass clenches after him, the way Dirk’s thighs shudder and struggle to keep still and the way Dirk drives his hands off the truck and over, through Todd’s hair and fingernails scraping his neck. Dirk’s taking what he wants, taking what he deserves, finally.

Todd presses his lips around the base of Dirk’s cock and slowly brings his teeth up Dirk’s shaft. Gentle, just a graze, and he gets to the shape of the head, runs his tongue around the grooves, plunges his middle finger as far as it can go in Dirk’s ass, feels the moaning resonating through skin and sweat and the rumble in Dirk’s body. And as Todd ensconces Dirk’s dick entirely in his mouth, bumps the head against the back of his throat, tight, thick, heat coiled around his middle finger and his own dick’s probably getting a rash against the fabric of his boxers. And as he holds Dirk there, for only a second, only a second. Dirk comes. Shuddering. A heart wrenching, glass shattering moan because even when Dirk has to be, he doesn’t know how to keep it down. Todd blinks, wiggles his middle finger in Dirk’s ass as Dirk rides out his tide. Todd takes it. Drinks Dirk down, and it doesn’t taste great but it doesn’t taste half bad.

Dirk goes limp against the frame of the truck, arms jelly and legs floppy and Todd sinks to his heels, his arm slides down Dirk’s leg and he holds onto Dirk’s shin for no support at all but for something to hold on to while he cranks himself. He’s burning up already, so it doesn’t take long. White spurts into the growing darkness under the truck.

After he’s spent, he remains sitting on his screaming ankles in the setting sun. Dusk and dust swarming. Bugs clamouring in buzzing clouds.

Dirk breathes, ragged, “Come up here.”

And Dirk kind of pulls Todd up into the tray. Todd has to wonder where Dirk’s strength came from. It would make more sense to Todd if Dirk turned out to be not of this world. At least he’d be able to accept that. Not the time to think too deep. He flops down on top of the blanket beside Dirk, bends into the detective’s shape. They heave together, clothes askew and lungs wrung out. Spent and tired and dirty.

“I take it back,” Dirk says after a long while.

Todd looks up at him. The orange sun rays cool across Dirk’s face, the sun blinking across the horizon.

“Take what back?”

“You _are_ an asshole.”

“What?” Todd says, sitting up.

“Not for previous reasons mentioned, per se,” Dirk explains.

“For _what_ reasons, then??”

“Well,” Dirk starts, “You _said_ you would help me with _sex_ -“

Todd interrupts him, “Stop saying it like you’re twelve.”

Dirk ignores him, “-and you didn’t let me ‘do what you did’ at all! You left me completely dry. I _told_ you I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“You did fine,” Todd says reassuringly.

Dirk continues indignantly, “but when someone says, ‘do what I do’, I expect to be able to follow suit. I couldn’t do what you were doing, not at the same time at least.”

“Save it for next time,” Todd says, pulling the corner of the blanket over Dirk’s head playfully.

Dirk flips the blanket away, “Next time?”

“There… will be a next time, right?” Todd asks, suddenly worried.

Dirk contemplates this for a moment, “Yes. I’m seeing it now. Candle light. A thousand rose petals on a love heart shaped bed. You’re there. I’m there.”

“And everything feels _right_?”

“Right.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you guys liked it! Please let me know what you thought of it :)


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